Just in case you think I have confidence in anything, let me assure you, with confidence, that I do not

Every decision I make is so shaky right now. I’ve been having tiny meltdowns over almost anything. I feel guilt and shame for not bringing in an income even though I’m paying all of my bills, it’s all from a loan. I recently signed up with “You Need a Budget” but haven’t set it up yet.

I’m also starting to use a habit-building app and two online mental health programs. The first is Cerebral.com – they match you with a psychiatrist. And then there’s this new thing I just signed up for last night BetterHelp.com

I’m completing old obligations that don’t light me up and am procrastinating everything. I’m giving the very best of my creativity, time and effort to a well-paying client and I’m clear this is not I want to be doing.

I mean, right now I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing– writing. It’s just not what I should be doing. But my business and life are not yet structured in a way that supports what I’m creating. This sounds very weird and entitled, but I resent the work I’m doing. I’m learning an entirely new skill set and my ability to focus is really low. Executive dysfunction it’s called.

I’m running out of time for my so-called hiatus (I’m not sure there was one single day I didn’t do anything ‘work-related.’ Wrapping up a company and rebranding decisions are more mentally exhausting than I anticipated.

And I’m not sure I’m any closer to knowing how I’ll be earning a living in 2021 now than I was in May.

January of 2021 is my self-imposed deadline and coincides with when it becomes fiscally irresponsible to not have an income.

I’m working on my “master plan” this week and trying to stay off of Twitter, but man, these next few weeks are going to be hard to not get caught up in.